The Introduction

If you are reading this I feel extremely sorry for you.

What you have fallen across is a self-pitying youth trying to make himself come across as remotely funny by giving his account of a year long holiday.

What a treat.

I’m Richard and I’m travelling to Australia on a working holiday visa. Basically that means I can go on the piss in the hottest country in the world, in fact it’s so hot it’s actually on fire. Whilst this sounds like hell in actual fact many call it paradise.

So I thought I’d try and make a bloggish thing.

By reading this blog you can get yourself conditioned to a reliable dose of cringe that will succeed in the other blogs. I thought I’d compile a list of objectives of said trip in this blog so you can get an insight into the reason and motivations for my trip – spoilers they’re tantalising.

Goal 1 – Have a pint

Living in Tonbridge and having the benefits of my grandparents grand-parenthood is great but I have become ever so attached to the local spoons. After recently succeeding a month without having any beer I can tell my snobby Doctor that I am in fact NOT an alcoholic. But I do find myself having a sort of oozing feeling for my local spoons. It isn’t necessarily the alcohol or the fact the alcohol is so cheap or that my drunk friends and my drunk self like to hang out there, it’s actually all of them combined. No I’m not an alcoholic but I can only imagine the feeling I have for spoons is similar to that of an alcoholic and therefore going to the other side of the world to sus out my oozing for my local spoons will surely be a benefit to my health.

Of course you are probably thinking “oh no Richard how could you be so foolish, the act of depriving yourself from the Humphrey Bean will make you depressed and lonely as you have lost the thing you hold dearest! You’re probably right but fun fact Tim Martin is actually Australian so I guess I am going to the land of the drunks anyway.

Goal 2 – Give the readers more material to bring up at my wedding

No I’m not engaged to anyone, this one is very optimistic (see goal 3). No this is about you the mighty reader who has chosen this blessed time to read this mighty word splat.

Hopefully, this blog will give you a reason to keep reading…

But most importantly it will give you an insight into the great lands of Australia, or you could just read a professional one right? I mean I probably would.

I hope to give you some overarching (I know that word doesn’t really suit the meaning) opinions on the great country. Many have claimed my opinion is more like fact. And that is a fact, said my very opinionated grandmother. So you can rest easy what I write is far from bollocks.

I hope you’re not starting to feel as if this is something designed for my close friends and family? Well you’d be right it’s exactly that. But here you go whilst it is very cringey and extremely out of place I hope in a sort of spiritual way that you too become a friend 😛

Goal 3 – Get me a wife

The De-facto arrangement is suspiciously popular in Australia… this means if you hook up with someone and can prove it’s serious ya might get to emigrate there.

So that’s that kids bye.

On a unrelated note there is a chance I’ll be travelling to Vietnam and South East Asia. So perhaps I can find me a wife there. Maybe even a wife in each country. (I appreciate I can be abit over the top occasionally, but I like to keep things positive here instead of being yanno “self-pitying”).

Goal 4 – Find out what ya wanna do with life

A big reason behind this trip is I’m hoping it’ll give me some insight into what my passion is, a passion that can make some decent dollar would be nice. 

Having tried to be an estate agent I realised it wasn’t for me after finding myself constantly struggling to use keys to open doors. However my extremely factual mind has made me realise that Australia is a hotter country and perhaps they don’t need doors? So perhaps this Estate agent gig in Australia is a career worth opening the door for.

If by some measure of magic it does come to pass that I do that stuff I wouldn’t say no, it’s quite good dosh as long as you’re not crap at it – oh which is another reason why I left the profession.

Some many (nice use of oxy-moron-ism there) of my acquaintances that I have boasted about that I’m going to sit on a beach for a year, have asked me what exactly am I going to do for work? Ima wing it !!!!

BUT I can dream bigger than that! So here goes: When I went out last time by far the highlight of the trip was swimming in the Great Barrier Reef. It is indescribable how amazing the experience was (well if you hang around I’ll try to describe it.( Bear in mind I’m quite new to this bloggish thing so If I go off on a tangent and that offends you, please contact me on 078667655656564445456778554 or email myjokesarefunnierthanyours@email.lol, here you can voice your complaints)), it was like swimming in the Ocean but being able to see whats underneath you (that line should explain to you why it’s so indescribable). Anyways, I’m going to stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to my point. Would be sick to work on a boat on the reef innit. I could see myself working as boat hand for the day trip companies that take tourists from the mainland to the reef! But of course there is the slight problem that I don’t know how to boat. Well I’m optimistic and on most days not a wet wipe so hopefully I can figure it out/ learn it.

I’m also a barista which is actually pretty cool! And unlike some stupid journalists from buzz feed I know what a flat white is. But perhaps these stupid journalists are normal Australians? Which can only mean 1 thing, it is my destiny to goto Australia and educate those what a flat white is.

Solid logic Richard!

So Australia’s minimum wage is $19.49 an hour, that means with the current exchange it works out to be give or take £10.40 an hour. Wow. Yeah okay people have said to me it equals out because your everyday things are more expensive, WELL I am going to test this theory and give my experience. Both countries are obviously western countries with capitalist economies, which comes with it’s pros and cons but for me this will be an interesting thing to find out and to tell yous.

Goal 5 – Make some funny memories

As you can see from that deeply boring last segment I’m hoping that trifiling with the crazy ozzys that this trip might give me something to tell the boys when I return. If I return? As it seems some of my friends have liked to moan incessantly about the whole affair like I’m going for ever. WELL at this point I might as well be!

It should also go without saying how supportive my friends and family have been! But you don’t want to hear about that do you?

Ending Segment

Good news this is over now, bad news you’ve got at least another 3 of these before I give up.

In the next blog I’m sure goal 1 would have been completed and I’ll be letting you know how Aussie life is when living with actual Aussies, for the first part I’m staying with family. 

I hope this blog has given you some reason to keep reading onto the next one!

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