So ladies and gentlemen here we are, numbre dos.
Let’s open this blog with a high and then I’ll go back to the plentiful pessimism that I know you all love. Massive thanks to all of you how have subscribed to this, cheers my dears.
So let’s re-visit the objectives and see if any have been ticked off! Well I was right when I said goal 1 would be complete and to be honest I smashed this one out of the park. Before I explain that story hear this; my family kindly offered me beer on day 1 to which I’m going to surprise you, I declined. Yes I declined, not out of choice, out of respect to my health – because at the time I was having heart problems (I wasn’t) which I will come onto later.
In other news, that oozing for a boozing in spoonzing (???) is not there. I can feel Tim Maritn with blood shot eyes of brexit fueled anger looking down on me. And it seems once again I’ve timed this perfectly given the crisis in Britain right now, as I’ve heard pubs are closing down. Saying that the closed a few hours ago here too, so were in this together.
Puts it in to perspective how bad my Goals are really that I completed 1 of 4, in which I have a year to complete that 1 is done already – I suppose of a quarter of the way home already. (Great.)
Haven’t found a wife yet nah. Haven’t really been looking if I’m totality honest. Tried my luck in Malaysia, but I didn’t think anyone would talk back to me with the mask thingys. (So I wrote this bit initially 2 weeks ago – mad that now these masks are now a mainstream fashion accessory!).
Coronavirus innit. Well I suppose what ever spices up the romance is good for me.
Right on we go to the main narrative, now I am going to proclaim week 1 of my adventure of Didgeridoo Dick down under, yes my family were very impressed!
23rd February – Time Travelling
Got up, went to see my boys working at greggs, had my last greggs orange juice v sad.
Yeah I know you don’t care let’s skip that.
On the way to the airport I felt like a 2 year old again, I was excited to be going on magic spaceship that could time travel! But mainly because I felt like I was gonna poo myself. Perhaps I thought pooing myself might make me feel better?
So now we’re on the aeroplane, with the big guns Malaysia airways. I sat down and a Aussie tells me that it’s a quiet flight and that soon enough I could move and have a row free to myself. At this point you know that I wanted to do it. I wanted to hit him with that “Right-o brother, gnarling stuff!!!” (You here get a sense of my knowledge of the world and Australia when gnarling is most definitively an Americanism) But I didn’t. I smiled and nodded like you do at the microwave when the food’s ready (I know that isn’t a well timed joke but things are running dry alright).
I quickly realised he said this because his 1 year old son was practising for the Sydney Opera House under 2s choir. It’s at this point that I realise the baby analogy I made at the begging has come full circle, back to bite me like a mosquito ;). To add to this on the 1 occasion on a 16 hour flight that I went to the toilet, as I left the loo, my nostrils were flashed with an aroma of faeces and yes it belonged to the baby. The nice Aussie man told me not to breath but it was too late. Karma had played it’s final card. Shit.
So it wasn’t the turbulance or the baby’s crap that gave me a heart attack it was the FOOD. Well sort of. Being Malaysia Airways it was Malaysian. Not quite sure what sort of vendetta Malaysia they would have against me but regardless it happened I experienced a not heart attack heart attack. In actual truth what I was suffering from here was abit of stuck wind. This is the reason I said no to beer (not that it took me long after). Back to the food, for breakfast they served a hard boiled egg in a spicy curry sauce, not quite what ‘the doctor ordered.’ I mean it is what I ordered they offered an English Breakfast but I though to myself I’ve come travelling to push myself. And I did into a ball of regret.
Kuala Lumpur happened this was a nice airport it had a pretty garden in the middle that was cool. But this isn’t an advert for Malaysia it’s for Australia so on we go.
I’m sure you’re the same when you have an important form to fill out you make the odd mistake or like me you are inept at the most important bits. Well. So now in Australia, I’m cruising through customs with my immigration form filled out…mainly filled out. Flash the passport to the passport machine thingy. Then onto the scary lady reading the forms “Unknown address?” (Ah shit). Yes I had travelled across the world for it to come crashing down, I didn’t know the address I was staying at. Okay, I get it such an attractive country in the world with such a high minimum wage they have to play hard ball abit with letting people in. But this lady spoke with venom like her life depended on it (side note I suppose her job depended on it). I quickly got out my laptop to show her my reasons for coming to this great country and tell her what I could offer. I showed a document which read “have a pint.”
No of course that didn’t happen. I did bugger up the form but the other bit didn’t happen. I got told off for being inept and then on I went. And whilst I’ve had my fair share of being turned away from night clubs this one was sort of important.
Out of customs into the lobby where I was holding back the tears prompted by embarrassment, then greeted by my 2nd cousin and her husband!
26th February – Brissy wizzy oh I’m dizzy
Right so cocked up already, the day I landed which isn’t this day, basically went to the pub (let me keep on emphasizing it denied the beer!). Oh and no BBQ yet 😦
The Wednesday. Checked out the city of Brisbane with Kev and Tania. Before boating on the river to the city centre we enjoyed a coffee on the riverside at the old powerhouse (look it up if you care). Here I experienced my first taste of an Aussie flat white, and the reservations started steaming through my milky mind. It was weak. Tania can 2nd (cousin) me on this. Far too weak. The seed was planted I knew I had to find out why.
Boated into the city centre on the city cat! Which offered a great opportunity for the first of many compelling instagram photos. So it’s time for some boring admin shizzzzz. Firstly the bank. All credit to commonwealth bank, they were efficient in all the boring stuff I needed to do. Heather was very helpful at setting up my account. And me and her son share the same middle name, shame she’s married.
Next phone sim what a palava this was. So I go into optus (the O2 of OZ) on the off chance they might be able to set up me. My visa providers should have set up my sim card and in actual fact should have sorted it at the airport but I hadn’t received a confirmation from my visa providers yet albeit having paid the money. Anyways so I’m in the optus store on the off chance but no luck. Then milliseconds after my legs have exerted the energy into my bum to get up (reading this back I realise that’s not how it works but it’s so stupid it’s funny), the bearded bloke tells me they have a better deal for cheaper. FRAUDERSTERS. I paid more money to the stupid visa people to get a worse deal??? What is this world.
Then it was time for the 570 babbbbbyyy. Smacked out an IPA and a pizza, sitting in a fantastic spot underneath a bridge. Instead of making a stupid description I’m just gonna share a picture here:
Life couldn’t be better, at this point I got massive holiday shivers. Sunnies on I knew this is what I came for to synchronise into the Aussie lifestyle. To feel one with a kangaroo. Didgeridoo Dick was in his element – slightly pissed. In order to maintain some sort of reputation I am going to have to disregard that last comment and instead blame it on the fact it was a 6% beer and I was very jet lagged. Pretty soon after I fell asleep and woke up the next day, presumably?
27th February – Taking a cycle down memory lane
So after a full on day of walking I still had weird windy stuff going on and wasn’t really comfortable to eat but all was about to change after today.
Today was a time for a bike ride along the coast.
We tried to cycle the whole of the Australian coastline but unfortunately grandparent duties beckoned.
On a semi-serious note we rode along the Moreton Bay Coastline which took us to a place called Redcliffe. Redcliffe is significant to me because this is where I stayed when I came to Australia last time. I managed to find the house that I stayed at aswell, which is literally 20 meters from the beach. Insert image:
28th February – Whizzy Brissy, I’m still dizzy.
Now have to excavate the deepest and darkest realms of my memory, it is currently the 23rd of March as I’m writing this section. So forgive me I’ve forgotten. Would make sense to write some bits down wouldn’t it. Nah. I’ll just make it up.
On this day, I got my first sense of solo travelling, well actually not even that is true because I flew alone but carry on reading you’ll see my point.
9:30am get dropped off at the Narangba train station. Which felt abit like being dropped off at the bus stop for school. Except it didn’t because it wasn’t Tonbridge high street, niether was I getting a bus and it wasn’t even my grandmother dropping me off. So now I get off at central station, and I land right on huge street called Edward Street, 4 roads going off in opposite directions, surrounded by glassy concretey blocks above me. I think you can experience cities in very different ways depending on how you see them. Let me explain. When I visited Brisbane in 2014, I wasn’t really amazed by it, but the problem was we drove into the city and moreover we only viewed the city from the Southbank. Upon actually going into the CBD via train I found a new love for the city. So I guess the lesson for that is, give things a proper go before you make judgement because they might surprise you. Melbourne however, upon writing this on the 23rd of March I’ve just had 2 weeks of it and I’m done. But more on that soon.
So what did I achieve from my first day solo exploring. Er. Not much? I saw a lizard in the botanical gardens which was very cool. They have an excellent ability to keep their heads up all the time, if lizards were humans they would not be slumped into the chair like you are they would sit up right with an excellent S shape posture. This trip is turning me into a scientist.
Tell you what I did learn tho. The flat white. The caffeinated instigator of debate. Having had a chat with a barista in the city this is what he tells me. He says the flat white was invented in Australia. The flat white is a simple coffee, where the milk is steamed slightly more than a latte but less than a cappuccino. So what this means is that flat white’s can be in different sizes and can be 1 shot of espresso. Okay. Right. So what is the point? You expect me to be impressed that there is a third way coffee when a latte is good enough? You must be joking. Here me out. The UK version of a flat white makes so much more sense. In the UK the flat white, is always 2 shots of coffee, none of the flabby business with the 1 shot nah. It must always be a small size techincally speaking 5oz but I’ll let that slide, but should not be anything other than a small, how else is the flat white supposed to be a strong coffee? More importantly which genius came up with the UK flat white? Anyway, I shall not be as ignorant as some. Whilst a part of me does wanna throwback to Colonial Britain and take back what is obviously rightfully mine, I can’t. At least not yet, I haven’t learnt enough yet, but I shall.
As I was flying down the streets fuming about the flat white news, it was time for lunch to settled my nerves. Driving around on the past days I had seen signed for a restaurant establishment that was filling me with curiosity. And that would be Red Rooster. So I found a red rooster. I can’t remember how much I paid, something in the region of £10. For this you got a drink, 2 deep fried pineapple pieces, chips, half of a roast chicken and get this stuffing. Yes what a combination. So let’s break it down.
Drink: This was bottled so can’t say how it compares to draught Maccies Coke for example (which is godly isn’t it?) = 6/10
Pineapple pieces: Get the vibe this is very much and Aussie thing. It wasn’t awful, I mean anything deep fried is good innit. It was however very sweet and sticky, I only took a few bites out of the first one. = 2/10
Chips: WOW. You know when something is so good you just keep shoveling it in there because you can’t bare a millisecond without the taste! That was this. Honestly great. Had everything you want from a fast food chip and more. The could even be the best chips I’ve had from a fast food chain. = 10/10
Chicken: Now I am assuming this actually was roasted in some capacity, no sign of frying on this bad boy. Chicken was very good, lovely and moist and the chicken itself tasted superb. I can’t say it’s topping KFC for me, it lacks the blend of flavours and the texture but for a basic roast did the job = 8/10
Stuffing: Well the surprise package. But also the Dark Horse. As a fussy eater I have to sort of tune my mind into what I’m eating and it took some convincing to get the stuffing down. At what I first thought was mouldy carcass of the chicken which was naturally quite alarming. Yeah it was decent mate, nothing like stuffing I’ve had before as it was very moist and soggy. But the taste was good. Next time I won’t quite be so shocked but I would have again = 7/10
29th February – Taking the plunge
Again memory abit fuzzy but I think on this day which was a Saturday I went to a rainforest and the beach in the same day. Quick shoutout to Tania and Kev again for being amazing tour guides and housing me for the week.
Rainforest was awesome. There is something so calming being stuck in an area where the sounds of the modern world are out of sight or earshot. So in this rainforest there is this waterfall that was very high. I would say 80 meters but I fear that could end in embarrassment as I get the feels that’s far off. It wasn’t quite the height of the shard, but it was close. So at the base of the waterfall you become completely surrounded by the trees. The rays of the sun created an unpredictable and constantly changing lighting scene. With the water flowing down river crashing against disrupting rocks. Disrupting is a great way of putting it actually because those bastards disrupted my passage of travel. Me being me, I tried jumping from rock to rock ((avoiding the croc) there was no croc), one foot ended up in the drink. Unfortunately, whilst my life events do mirror that of a clown, that’s it with this story. Sure you wanted me to say I fell right in didn’t you, but I didn’t. This time I didn’t take the plunge.
After coming all the way down, all the way up again we went. To zee plunge pool. Had to do it, except this time I actually wanted to go in the drink without my trainers on. Obviously this was a great opportunity to show off the beach bod, for those who follow my instagram will know about this and know I made that joke already. On the topic of health related matters, I must have lost significant amounts of weight since arriving because my swimmers (swimming trunks) we very loose… my windy thing had gone but it hadn’t stopped me eating that much really… And that was that. Not even remotely interesting was it learning about my loose trunks.
Then onto the Sunshine Coast. This was one lovely beach, in the backdrop mountains to the left and mountains to the right. Lovely sandy beach and once again the holiday fever was rolling. So Mooloolaba, is a resort town and it shows, did get a feeling of the sort of resorts on Tenerife that sort of feel. So after a dip in the Sea, it was drinks in the surfers club. Seemed a bit like the equivalent of a rugby club except there be a great window exposing the Sea for all drunks to see. After this onto Caloudra for fish and chips! Or in my case shark and chips. I had barramundi and very nice it was too. Sat right by the Sea as the sun was setting it was view, to behold and ending what I think was my favourite day of the week.
30th February – The first of many
What else can you do on a Sunday to cure the hungover better than having a family BBQ eh? Okay Roasts are good but BBQs are just so much better. They are even betting and less embarrassing when you are not hungover and thankfully I wasn’t. This was an opportunity to meet family that I hadn’t seen in years which is always fun. And I got called a special guest so naturally this was a good day – yes the ego was buzzing.
There were some hot dog related dramas but I shall leave that story for another day…
2nd March – The Peak
Did anyone notice I skipped a day? Well actually I didn’t skip a day at all I just did that to see if you’re still paying attention, it’s nearly over hang in there.
So on my penultimate day we climbed to the summit of Mt Coot-Tha. You’ll find out from my next blog that Australia is full of many great and massive things such as the Great Ocean Road. However when I say we climbed this mountain don’t get your hopes up that it was Kilimanjaro style – more like Tonbridge mound times 10. And whilst that might come off as an insult the end result was well worth it. The climb itself was a steady and shady. Which was a God send as it was a particularly sunny hot day with not a cloud in the sky, which incidentally gave ideal conditions for what was about to come. I’ve thought semi-hard about the build up to the summit reveal because it really deserves it. In the current day as I write this I’m back in Brisbane again and already I’ve spent the day going back to the top to the viewpoint, it’s that good. So yeah my point is the view is awesome. And even on the 2nd viewing it was equally as impressive. So if you are coming to Brissy this most definitely should be on the list! I’ll be honest don’t expect 360 views but you really don’t need that. Of the 280 degree view that you do get is very very impressive. I would hazard a guess that if you’ve never travelled out side of Europe this would be especially exciting to see. The reason I say this is because from the viewpoint the city skyscrapers are so well defined and blends nicely into the residential areas that are swarmed by greenery. It’s refreshing to see a metropolitan area of some 2 million people be overcrowded with trees. Here whilst the numbers speaks for itself nature is the winner! Or at least that’s my opinion anyway. Worth noting Australia is the only country I’ve been outside Europe lol.
Happy with that boring bit of number crunching? Well I’m going to give you a treat we’re basically done. On the last day I said my goodbyes and then I went to Melbourne. I’ve half written a blog on my thoughts on Melbourne which hopefully won’t take a whole month to be released this time… I’m struggling with this chronological narrative style I think I’m going to stick to one offs and include the best bits if that makes sense. At current time of writing Didgeridoo Dick has not got Cornavirus. Ah. But that is a story for another day. 😛
Didgeridoo Dick Down Under 